I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
