I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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