I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
