Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
