Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
