He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
