Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
