from now on my penis is your penis
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
