so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
