I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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