i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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