porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
