Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
