you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
