I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
