My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
