This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
