if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
