did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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