We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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