The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
