in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
