I wish I could punch you in the face.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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