did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think people are normalizing furries
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
