I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
