I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
