Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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