Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
