i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
