3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
These tits shall not be calmed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
