she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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