my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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