i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
