I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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