Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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