she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
