I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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