life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
