dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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