Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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