last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
