chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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