I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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