you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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