paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
