I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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