As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
