My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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