Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
