that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
