she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
