I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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