I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
