i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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