Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
