once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
