Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
