Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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