I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
