Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
