Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
