hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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