Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
