She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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