i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
